Edible paper. Edible paper. EDIBLE PAPER!! Amaze your friends! Astound your coworkers! All you need is...EDIBLE PAPER!!!
(The following message is brought to you by the National Board of Edible Paper and Non-edible Babies.) Hey there, baker! Lonely sheet cakes got ya down?
[defeated trombone slide]
No worries. Now you can turn this:
"Boo! That's so BORING and PHOTOLESS!"
...Into THIS!
"Wow! Is that paper? That you can EAT??"
Yes, it is! And now your bakery can make literallytrillionsof dollars with a little help from this fabulous product, known as... EDIBLE PAPER!!! With Edible Paper (and our conveniently included vehicle clip-art starter pack), you can...
Cut costs! ---What better, more cost effective way is there to celebrate a bride-to-be's journey than with...
...recreational vehicle clip-art?
With a few roses and a stick figure bride, this shower cake is ready to roll!
Save time! ---Why waste precious hours fumbling with piping bags when it takes only a second to hit "Print?"
And it's still just as meaningful.
It's EASY!
---No artistic talent? No problem!! Hearts are difficult to draw, but an edible hearse is just a keystroke away!
Death becomes it!
Yes, with Edible Paper, you are only limited by your Imagination*!
*Imagination clip-art packs sold separately.
Now, don't put away that "Eternal Rest" photo pack just yet; when a customer asks you to "just make it nice ," it's really your time to shine!
You can rest in peace knowing your customer is happy.
Do you love fried chicken? I mean, LOVE love it? But not so much that you want to eat anything that actually tastes like fried chicken? Then you're in luck!
It's finger lickin' great!
Edible Paper!
EDIBLE PAPER!
EDIBLE PAPER!!!
Edible Paper. Transforming your baby shower cakes from this...
Into this:
You're welcome.
Thanks to Susan H., Liana E., Nathan S., Dana H., Taryn, Kerry M., Adam D., Wendy M., Mollie B., who think these cakes look pretty tearable.
*****
P.S. You know what's better than edible paper? EDIBLE CHEESE PAPER:
No, it's not a real cheese printer (booo), but with these prank gift boxes you can make your friends and family THINK it is. There's also an "ear wax candle kit" and an especially cruel 12,000 piece puzzle box of a solid blue sky. DASTARDLY.
Bakers, will someone please get a handle on these clown cakes?
"Woo woo woo!"
Wait. Let me rephrase that.
What I mean is, I'm seeing a lot of funny business lately...
Don't tell me this candle placement wasn't intentional.
(But do feel free to share a burning pee joke. That'd be hilarious.)
...and at some point we just have to ask SWEET MERCY WHAT IS THAT CLOWN DOING?!
Keep it up, Chuckles, and someday you'll be juggling one less dancing dog, if you catch my drift. (You know, tripping the blue elephant? Cooling the cream pie? Honking the big shoe?)
Hey, Bozo! Get those hands where I can see 'em!
Look, I'm all for romance, but did the Wizard display teach us nothing?
And I'm not sure these censor dots are the solution, either:
Though I suppose it does beat the alternative. [shudder]
Thanks to Dominique G., Jeny F., Kara P., Ibo, Melanie T., & Robin M., who are, suspiciously, all smiles.
*****
P.S. Is your life boring? Does your soul yearn for adventure? Are you waiting for the universe to send you a sign?
No, it has to be rated PG. We talked about this...
Look, I've given you a lot of fun options, and you've said no to all of them. I guess I can always find you some chores to do! I need help transplanting those seedlings.
(Submitted by Danette T., "sprout" toppers made by mimicafe Union)
Well, at least make the bed. And see if you can find the dog's leash. And, Sweetie, Christmas was six months ago. Maybe it's time to put away the reinbear?
Sometimes, you have a specific item you want replicated in cake.
You know, like a camcorder.
(Really?)
(Oh. Ok. Really.)
Well, no problem. They can do that!
That's one for the record books.
And with all the company picnics out there, you know bakers can freehand logos like nobody's business:
See? Just like nobody's business!
Or how about trying an entire building?
It's all in the airbrush.
Enough business, though. What do you say we loosen things up with something a little... sexy?
Mrow.
Uh...
Well, on the bright side, at least the baker was generous with the serving sizes!
Because anything less would have been a waist.
Thanks to, Emily C., Bridey, & Anony. And hey, you know what they say! "A moment with these hips on your lips, and your hips...I mean, your LIPS...no. Wait. Look. There's an old saying in Tennessee. Or was it Taiwan? Anyway. Fool me once, shame on..uh...look, you can't get fooled again, is what I'm saying. Sooo. Yeah.
I didn't think it'd been that long since my wedding reception, but apparently I'm already behind the times. Used to be, folks just clinked their glasses any time they wanted the happy couple to kiss.
Now I see bakers are taking it a step further:
And then some.
Don't see it? Here, let me zoom in:
Now, cue the music, DJ! It's time for the groom to DANCE.
Thanks to Heather C. for finally finding a wedding wreck to rival "faith, hope, thrust."
*****
P.S. You probably know The Holderness Family for their song parodies and silliness (the Thriller one did me in, omigosh), and now they wrote a book!
Did you know that, every day, thousands of cakes go unpurchased?
It's true. These shunned desserts sit lonely and unloved on bakery shelves...
...only to eventually be shipped off to the day-old bread outlet.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
For a reduced price, you can help these poor, unwanted cakes find a place where they will be loved, cherished,
...and eaten.
That place being your belly.
Yes, your contribution can help provide loving tummies for rejected wrecks!
And just think: for the price of a candy bar, you can help turn these stale, unwanted, frosting-slathered sugar bombs...
...into a continuous sugar-high for someone else's hyperactive children.
And really, isn't that what we all want?
So please, visit your local bakery today, and save the cakes. For our future. For our children. And, for the love of Betty Crocker, tell them to stop making cupcake cakes while you're there.
I really can't take this kind of thing much longer.
Thank you.
Thanks to our "generous" "sponsors" Carly R., Garrett B., Jill B., Cheryl, Sabra L., Rasha H., and Dan & Christine M.
******
P.S. Hey, it's hot out there. Your car needs a sun shade. So if you need one anyway, why NOT turn your car into a Pixar character?
You have come to me asking that I be your guide along this tale of Wreckage, but first I should mention that little Kyle here is taking Tae Kwon Do:
I should also probably stop calling him "little" Kyle.
After all, he could be earning his "Black Blet:"
(Presumably by doing step aerobics.)
Or, he might look like this:
(And wouldn't that be a boot to the head?)
Or - OR - he might know 6-year-old Mercedes here:
And, shoot, that's one little pistol I aim to avoid. (I hear she's got a hair-trigger temper.)
Thanks to Heather H., Heather D., Liz M., and Kelsey E., for today's round of bullet points.Now, let us rejoin the mind to the body and meditate upon this wisdom.
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