I'm so *~*secular, you guys

[politicette]

This may be the post that makes you embarrassed to know me. :(

As it's become apparent to many of you already, I am such an unabashed theological geek. We're talking a straight-up nerd-glassed phlegmy-voiced pocket-protector-wearing motherfucker, here. * It's more commonly understood, however, that I am also a bra-burning baby-hating anti-American fetus-eating hairy-legged man-loathing commie pinko secular dyke fag.**

I'm sure you can all imagine wherein the disconnect often occurs.

Hence my mad, mad love of the free-form stylings of one Slactivist. He's fantastic, mostly because he focuses on actual Biblical teachings as opposed to ruminating endlessly on artificially-constructed, time-respected dogma. In fact, he often devotes space for the pure purpose of deconstructing that dogma, and boy. Do I love me some deconstructed dogma.

And his thinkings on eschatology? Amazing.

He's also very, very funny.

So, obviously I could say a lot about them, but this post was inspired by this beautiful, beautiful quote (in the context of his routine dissection of how much the Left Behind books suck) that I believe better explains the connection between salvation and storytelling, and why, in my mind, writing and creation of all kinds are such spiritual endeavors than anything I've ever clumsily articulated:

It's not about finding the special power that can defeat the archvillain's powers, but about a deeper, older kind of conflict. It's not about Bad Power vs. Good Power, but power vs. love. You recognize this story. This villain can't be defeated by silver bullets or wooden stakes or photon torpedos or a magic ring. We don't need a super hero, we need a lamb. The ring must be destroyed. Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb that was slain.

That's the story. That's always the story, really.

He's so right and I'm going to stop myself before I go on a tangent about the nature and underlying significance of human creation, artistry, and expression. Because I, being a huge theological geek, could write pages.


It strikes me, also, that I just realized why Harry's resurrection at the end of Deathly Hallows was so unsatisfying to me LOL I AM A CRAZY PERSON.

*Also stopping myself from going off about the ways in which theological study and science are essentially the same endeavor because golly gee would that never end.

**A truth mileage may vary.

EDIT: LOL YOU GUYS SO THERE IS FIC! HAPPENING IN THE COMMENTS! IT'S FANTASTIC! IF YOU ARE HERE FOR THE SANDBOX CHALLENGE HAPPENING AT FN_FF, I SAY HELLO! BUT FIRST HAVE THIS DISCLAIMER:

---

DISCLAIMER: The fic is a lie and I am a liar for saying it, even though I'm not claiming it as truth so technically it's more like fiction, but still equally un-factual and untrue.

Also, it may be triggery due to some of the featured gay-bashing and parental abuse.

Comments

Re: verily so

[themistoklis]

Lolol no I am rather female but I think Jon might have a few sniffles. Especially if he thought Stephen wasn't watching (he has to be strong for him, because Stephen was risking so much more). Everything sinking in, realizing he's got to make a new home away from his mom, maybe thinking about Stephen being hurt and how he didn't do anything to stop that (not that he could've, really, but since when are teenage boys rational). It'd be a lot to deal with without getting a little freaked out.

ALSO OKAY. IT'S NOT LIKE ANY OF MY FIC IS DOING ANYTHING BUT STANDING STILL AT A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR. SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE FUN WITH IT.

Re: verily so

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

YAY SHOULD I UNLOCK THIS POST SO THEY CAN SEE

Re: verily so

[themistoklis]

I WILL BE INTERESTED TO SEE IF ANYONE ACTUALLY TACKLES IT

Re: verily so

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

ME TOO THEY WILL PROBS BE LIKE "WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY" BUT THIS IS STILL EXCITING

*fact ninja appears!*

[erinptah]

1) The siblings: Jimmy, Eddie, Mary, Billy, Margo, Tommy, Jay, Lulu, Paul, Peter, and Stephen.

He once said that his youngest (living) sibling is his sister Lulu, who is 8 years older than him. And Jimmy is 20 years older than him.

[Of course, that's r!Stephen, so the ages may be different for c!Stephen, but either way, most of them will probably be out of the house by the time of the elopement. Note also that, if c!Mr. Colbert is hitting one of them, he's probably hit the lot -- and they've grown up with the idea that If You Would Just Shut Up And Obey Authority Like You're Supposed To, Everything Would Be Fine.]

2) It was Jon's 75-year-old mother that he defended in the Cramer interview. (Her name is Marion, and she is/was an educational consultant/teacher. She was in the audience on July 26, 2007, so if you want a brief shot of how she looks now, there you go.)

3) Real!Jon legally dropped the name "Leibowitz" when he got married; he and his wife both changed their last names to "Stewart" at the same time. Does Stephen in this AU change his name from Col-bert to Coal-bare, or does he just ditch it altogether and go with Stewart?

*is obvsly lurking at the edges of this 'verse*

*also, is entirely in agreement with the original post and its flailing over Slacktivist, not that anybody probably remembers that at this point*

OH MY GOD YOU ARE LIKE AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

1) If she is eight years older she is too old to be picking him up from the eight-grade dance most probs.

IDK I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING ADD WHAT IT 13 + 8.

MY FINGERS SAY 21. SHIT SHE WOULD BE OUT OF COLLEGE MOST PROBS THERE IS NO WAY.

LOL LOOKS LIKE C!STEPHEN'S FAMILY IS LESS SPREAD OUT WHAT DO YOU KNOW THIS SHIT IS BANANAS


[Well, idk if Good Loving Catholic Sons and Daughters and Wives get hit, but queers certainly do. This was the idea anyways.]

2) FABULOUS THANK YOU V. MUCH

3) Well I assume? That Jon stays with Leibowitz? Because I was operating under the assumption that they moved down to SC after his parents divorced, which happened 5 years earlier than it does IRL? IDEK.

Also, IDK if you've read, but Lulu pops in for a visit and afterwards Stephen is like "fuck this shit it's coal-bear now"

*IS FLATTERED BY YOUR LURKERY*

*PRETTY MUCH IS IN LOVE WITH FRED'S BRAIN*

LIKE A FAKE NEWS SUPERHERO

[themistoklis]

1) Oh yeah 8 is just a bit too old for our manipulative purposes. We can squish the C!family together a bit. She could be five years older? To be 18 to his 13?

2) <333

3) I figured they moved down to SC after his parents got divorced, hence never mentioning his father lol. (;_; I just got this mental image of little kid Stephen curling up to Jon during a sleepover and asking why he doesn't have a daddy.)

Yeah Stephen decided to change his name after Lulu visited him in the hospital because why stick with it, really. I thought Jon maybe changed his to Stewart if he decided to go into ~showbiz~ after graduation but idk.

*IS ALSO FLATTERED BY THE LURKING*

Re: LIKE A FAKE NEWS SUPERHERO

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

1) Sounds about right to me.

2) NO U

3) _; I just got this mental image of little kid Stephen curling up to Jon during a sleepover and asking why he doesn't have a daddy.

;_______________;

Does he ask Miz Marion why Jon doesn't have a daddy when Jon answers unsatisfactorily? And does she reply that she loves him enough for both parents?

DUDE NO WAIT

WAIT

WAIT

JON

BECOMES

A COUNSELOR FOR TROUBLED/ABUSED GLBPATQ YOUTH Y/Y/MFHSY

*omg i know right i'm all fluttery now*

Re: LIKE A FAKE NEWS SUPERHERO

[themistoklis]

2) NO U

3) If she can love the kids enough for four grandparents then she can sure as hell love Jon enough for two parents. Little Stephen proclaims that that makes her almost as good as his mom and Miz Marion is very flattered and Jon is just like *facepalm*

SO DOES THAT MEAN

THAT WE CAN CALL HIM

DOCTOR LEIBOWITZ?

ngl that's kinda hot i bet stephen calls him that a lot

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

2) NO U, BITCH. U.

3) SHE IS LIKE THIS GIANT WELL OF LOVE AND WARMTH AND STRENGTH OMG

THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE BEST PART OF ALL OF THIS

STEPHEN IS SO TAKEN WITH THE IDEA THAT HE WONDERS IF HE SHOULDN'T BECOME MR. LEIBOWITZ SO THAT THEY CAN BE DR. AND MR. LEIBOWITZ I MEAN THAT IS KIND OF AMAZINGLY AWESOME BUT HE HAS ALREADY MADE SORT-OF A NAME FOR HIMSELF IN

(punditry? acting? idk this is like, "Stephen" right. but a "Stephen" that wants to be/really is deep down our Stephen as opposed to that one happy!Stephen like the real "Stephen" is. IDK DID YOU FOLLOW ALL THAT? so this Stephen is like part "Stephen" but mostly Stephen since he had Jon's GUIDING INFLUENCE from a much earlier time in his life and always had a source of love and warmth and therefore never went fubar, right? idk)

SO HE KEEPS IT

[themistoklis]

2) I SAID U, SCUMBAG

3) YES SHE IS

Yeah I was thinking about it the other day and this is like what "Stephen" would be if he had some kind of not-entirely-messed-up childhood and was allowed to ~follow his heart~ etc etc (ty ty Jon).

I figured that he would go into acting, especially if Jon stayed away from cameras. Mostly stage stuff? Or do you think he'd eventually gravitate towards television? Idk by the time Jon has his doctorate he could probably move wherever Stephen could find work.

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

So I have started to use that JoyDown Stephen as my reference for Who Stephen Should Be (WHICH IS FABULOUS BECAUSE THAT STEPHEN IS MORE FABULOUS THAN ANYTHING EVER) so I mean if JoyDown Stephen were following his heart then. IDEK, have you seen that clip? Ideas?

[themistoklis]

Yes I have lol. JoyDown Stephen makes me a little sad for "Stephen" though. It's just like "Stephen" thinks he can never be that happy because he has to be angry all the time to protect himself! *sigh* But at least in this verse Jon is there to redirect those thoughts.

So basically "Stephen" trying to be more like Stephen, and the JoyDown Stephen thrown in for some flavor. Not so desperate for attention, more secure in his, er, ego, less conflicted -- but with that ~fabulous~ JoyDown flare, y/y? (Real men wear pink, Jon. ~ Yes they do, Stephen.)

D: I thought I hit post comment on this about 20 minutes ago.

*jazz hands!*

[erinptah]

1) Well. She'll be in college, at least. Although some of the older siblings could always be working in town & still living at home, especially if college is the elitist pursuit of intellectual East Coast snobs and/or they can't afford eleven tuitions.

Basically you can probably get away with whatever you want here, is what I'm saying :D

[Methinks that even the straight ones will have screwed up re: The Rules at some point or another.]

3) Stephen changing his name = :D

I think Jon would still want to change his too. Given that part of the reason he did it IRL was to distance himself from his family (and I don't know how much the "for showbiz reasons" bit is part of it, and how much it's just what he says to distract interviewers).

Plus, of course, if the Col-berts come looking, they'll be harder to track down if they're not using the expected last names...

Pure undiluted happy!Stephen is gonna take some work to reach, methinks, because of the undercurrent of oh god what if they FIND me that won't shake easy. Like, he'll wear pink, and love it, but he'll still jump at shadows, still get woken up by nightmares (to find Jon, ever the insomniac, out of bed and in the kitchen clipping coupons). And this is one fear Jon can't just head off, because he can say all he likes that pink shirts are great and being gay is fine and doing theater is a perfectly appropriate profession, and they can always make rent even if he has to put in a couple of extra hours; but he can't guarantee to Stephen that no angry relatives will appear on their doorstep tomorrow, and he knows it.

(Yes, I realize I am ninja-angstifyng the story that you worked so hard to ninja-happyfy. Shh.)

ARE WE HUMAN? OR ARE WE DANCER?

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

1) THREE WORDS: BOB JONES UNIVERSITY. FUCK YAH. OR LIBERTY, OR ANY OF THE OTHER "BIBLE COLLEGES." I mean, not all institutions of higher learning are decrepit cesspools of liberalism and hedonistic Godlessness. Only the good ones.

[Well. Okay. I'm nopt good with the explaining-things bit. But. I'm basing these people off of all the fundamentally religious South Carolinian conservative bigots that surrounded me all growing up, right? And they are, and I deeply, truly believe this, fundamentally loving towards their own children. Strict as fuck and sickly misguided, but they love their own kids. So my "Stephen" probably is never going to have had quite as horrible a childhood as yours, because these are people who are, for the most part, decent fucking human beings. Their children are not called "It" and they are nobody's Mommie Dearest. They aren't monsters.

It's just that there are points where the decency seems to have missed a spot and they freak the fuck out and start hitting people.

You've seen Huckabee interview, right? He epitomizes the people I'm channeling for this one. It's. Idk. I'll write you more if I haven't explained it well enough here.]

3) His father in particular, right? Again, I'm thinking if the divorce happened that much earlier in his life, he'd have significantly fewer daddy issues to be distancing himself from, and therefore less reason to change his name?

I'm a bit confused. Why would they come looking? He ran off with that heathen Jew fag of his, didn't he? Dead To Them, I'm thinking. Except for his mother, of course.

(YES NO I WANT YOUR NINJA ANGST. DO IT.)

Re: ARE WE HUMAN? OR ARE WE DANCER?

[themistoklis]

1) Lol eleven tuitions I didn't even think about that. But I know some people whose parents sent them to "Bible Colleges" (for reasons other than, er, actually getting degrees in religion -- someone I knew as a kid is studying to be a Christian Youth Counselor... somewhere in SC) and idk maybe if they knew people some kids would get hooked up with scholarships. Maybe one or two of the sisters just get married. Probably a brother goes into the military.

[My ~circle~ in Georgia has been some liberal people but I know conservative bigot families and you're right, they don't like, hate their children. They just think that being strict is a good thing. They do love their kids, and they want to see their kids reflect their values.

Yeah, I figured the hitting was only a Major Rule being broken thing and a reflection of a strict, old-fashioned household not a general tendency towards abuse.]

3) If Jon's parents just got divorced instead of his dad walking out he might not feel the impetus to change it -- especially if his mom doesn't.

Yeah I figured they just cut him off. That one brother they just don't talk about. The last straw for the family is him running off, beforehand they didn't disown him but if he can't stick around then why bother. Just something they sweep under the rug.

Maybe Stephen doesn't want to run into them -- he doesn't visit home with Jon for the holidays, like you said -- but idk Lulu's visit is probably a total surprise and she doesn't scream at him or anything so he's not freaking out about it. It's just INCREDIBLY AWKWARD and makes him sad.

(SOMEONE HAS TO REMIND US TO ANGST WHEN WE GET TOO HAPPY)

Re: ARE WE HUMAN? OR ARE WE DANCER?

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

There is that nasty passive-agressive emotional... more coercion than abuse, I would say.

Like, the first time Stephen said he was going out for the school play, everyone stopped eating. Looked at his father, who pushed his food around for a little while more before clearing his throat and asking "Don't you think that's a little faggy, son?" in a tone that made it very, very clear that Stephen was supposed to agree and recant.

Mom did the same "you'd better not be a homo because things will end very badly for yo if you are" kind of sudden iciness when Lulu wondered if it would maybe be fun to take Auto next year.

AND COPYPASTA FROM ANOTHER COMMENT:

I don't think it's that hitting is a calculated, intentional punishment so much as it is like. Surprise! Rage! Looks like you found out what was lurking beneath Daddy's austere-but-placid exterior, Stevie!

(SERIOUSLY PTAH WE'VE DEGENERATED INTO THROWING HEARTS AT EACH OTHER AND TALKING ABOUT PLUSH WHALES THIS IS RIDICULOUS)

[themistoklis]

Ugggh yes the cool emotional manipulations that a family can wreak upon itself. Hmm hmm too familiar.

The sound of thirteen forks halting all at once is surprisingly loud. And of course Stephen just mumbles something and they all start eating again and move onto another topic.

Auto is a little un-feminine, don't you think, it's not the kind of thing that a Nice Girl really needs to learn dear. And of course Lulu says it was just a thought, there are lots of other electives.

It is probably like, he grabs Stephen to keep him from walking off, voices maybe start to rise, not getting the answers he wants and when the ultimate revelation comes wham-bang there was a rip tide at that stoic shoreline.

(ARE YOU CALLING OUR LOVE RIDICULOUS)

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

IKR. :p

There is also a lot of emphasis on, well when you have a BOYfriend, (by the way, isn't it about that time, Lu, both of your sisters had boyfriends at this age, why aren't they showing more of an interest?) he will certainly not want you to know more than HE and the other BOYS do about auto, dear. And then how embarrassed will your future HUSBAND be if you have to fix HIS tires for him in front of his friends! Can you even?

That is sticky, though, because I am fairly certain Mr. Colbert knew what he was looking for, and Stephen knew what he was hoping to find, and the tension just stretched...

IDK on a scale of one to "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" how bad is it that I want to write a "Five Times Stephen Colbert Cut His Lip" fic now.

(NEVER <33333333333333)

*serves up a bowl of angst cream topped with tragicsauce*

[erinptah]

Strict as fuck and sickly misguided, but they love their own kids.

Argh. No, I do get it, they aren't evil at heart, they think they're doing the right thing. It's just, if they think physical violence is an option at all -- and, listen, in IAA Stephen advises you to enforce arbitrary rules for your children, to keep them guessing. So if hitting is on the menu but only for the severest of infractions, that's one thing. But if hitting is on the menu and punishment is inconsistent, that's a lot more terror-inducing.

my "Stephen" probably is never going to have had quite as horrible a childhood as yours

...so this is all ironic because when I started reading about the kicking and the bruising, I was thinking, "Man, even I don't usually go this far."

(Although the one canonical punishment we do know about is the time Stephen was caught smoking, and forced to finish the entire carton. Which...is freakin' sadistic. And can't just be explained as a heat-of-passion thing, because it must have taken a long time. So. Make of that what you will.)

I'm thinking if the divorce happened that much earlier in his life, he'd have significantly fewer daddy issues to be distancing himself from, and therefore less reason to change his name?

Yeah, I have no idea how Jon's father issues would adapt to that :/ (And do you know what his big brother is doing in all this?)

He ran off with that heathen Jew fag of his, didn't he? Dead To Them, I'm thinking.

So why run off at all? Why not just have Stephen move in with Jon and his mother? And why the secrecy?

I dunno, maybe it's not a real/logical danger, but Stephen's petrified of it just the same?

Because it's hugely taxing for him to stand up to his parents just on an emotional level. Like, on our!TCR, look at the time Sumner Redstone called the show and told Stephen off. Stephen folded like a house of cards -- he was in tears, going I'm sorry, sir, I'll be a good boy, just tell me what to do. He slipped into that pattern so easily, and that was just his boss, and just over the phone, and he was in his forties with a house and a stable income. As a teenager with almost no stability, he has pretty much nothing except Jon to shore him up against falling into that same pattern if his father ever did show up in person.

And he's very afraid that would be too much for them. Thus, nightmares! (Along with your garden-variety nightmares about the memory of the physical pain, of course.)

(His mother issues seem to be more allied with guilt than fear. To paraphrase IAA: "A dirty house says to children, 'I'm not lovable. Otherwise Mommy would dust.'")

NOM NOM NOM

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

...so this is all ironic because when I started reading about the kicking and the bruising, I was thinking, "Man, even I don't usually go this far."


XXXXXXXDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IIDK WHY I FIND THIS SITUATION SO HILARIOUS BUT I DO WE ARE JUST LOOKING AT EACH OTHER WITH THESE IDENTICAL EXPRESSIONS OF

.___O

DDDDDDDDDD:

AND I THINK IT IS FABU.

ALSO FOR THE RECORD SHE STARTED IT I AM BLAMELESS I TELL YOU

I mean at least he was never like. Forced to remain under a bookcase I mean, my Stephen's parents would at least pull him out.

See. Your abuse tends to be more like. Long-standing? And with you, it's more a fundamental part of their relationship than it is here. I mean, here they are basically just strict but still loving and normal parents who have this. Trip-wire.

But if hitting is on the menu and punishment is inconsistent, that's a lot more terror-inducing.

I don't think it's that hitting is a calculated, intentional punishment so much as it is like. Surprise!Rage! Looks like you found out what was lurking beneath Daddy's austere-but-placid exterior, Stevie!

See IDK, IDK how IAA-compliant his childhood is going to be. Because the more you speak of it the more it diverges from what I had envisioned, because I do get a very strong military culture vibe from "Stephen".

Again this probably has to do with the way we approach the character, which IIRC, is very divergent. I think we've talked about this before, maybe, about how you tend to ask what our reality do to the character, whereas I'm asking what the character would be like if he were part of our reality?

You're like. Slapping him in the face with reality, whereas I'm like, infusing him with it? Making him less of a caricature and more like what he's caricaturing? So I look less to canon and more to the real "Stephens" I know for characterization?

LOL IDK SPEAK ENGLISH MUCH?

They run off because they are young and romantic and high school sweethearts and they want to Get Married. And that's what young kids in love do. ♥

Stephen hates his town because it's just not really a safe place to be in an openly gay relationship, and besides, he's read the news stories, and well. Things have happened to them. Things might happen to them again, and he doesn't want to end up like that couple in Florida who...

Well. Of course that won't happen. Not anytime soon, anyways. But still. It's better to know for sure, right?

His nightmares, I think, I think, would be more about some faceless, nameless Big Boys finding him and Jon again. I do like the idea of nightmares, though. Because he wakes up and Jon sitting on the counter in the kitchenette clipping coupons, and he can just hop up next to him and lean his head on Jon's shoulder and watch him clip and bury his face in Jon's neck and just be ecstatic that he's alive and okay.

I MIGHT HAVE LOST A TRAIN OF THOUGHT IN THIS ONE? SO IF YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT LOOKS UNFINISHED LET ME KNOW?

Re: NOM NOM NOM

[themistoklis]

ALSO FOR THE RECORD SHE STARTED IT I AM BLAMELESS I TELL YOU

WELL WELL I MEAN I WAS JUST THE PROMPT WAS ANGST I COULDN'T HELP IT ;_;

PLUS LITTLE KIDS CAN BE VICIOUS MAN

Re: NOM NOM NOM

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

TECHNICALLY IT WAS YOU THAT BROUGHT UP THE BIGGER KIDS AS WELL THOUGH I MEAN

I WAS JUST LIKE "MAYBE BAD THINGS HAPPEN" BUT YOU SIGNED THAT BILL INTO LAW, BB

Re: NOM NOM NOM

[erinptah]

Ah, yes. That would be part of my Stephen's parents' Pull Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps philosophy. (I do think there were chronic screwy emotional things going on in that family.) (Also, the bookshelf itself is canon, darnit.)

But I am basically just throwing bits of canon at you, and you may grab 'em as you will. Besides, this particular AU has a Stephen whose life is vastly different starting in kindergarten, so almost everything from IAA and/or TCR has to be deconstructed back to that point before it's actually useful.

I do get a very strong military culture vibe from "Stephen".

Can you elaborate? Like I said, my militaryculturedar is not on, so I would love some details.

You're like. Slapping him in the face with reality, whereas I'm like, infusing him with it? Making him less of a caricature and more like what he's caricaturing? So I look less to canon and more to the real "Stephens" I know for characterization?

You mean you're trying to be (gasp) realistic?

Seriously, I like how you put this. (And, yeah, my Stephen totally spends most of his existence in a land of magic and caricature. Unicorns and all.)

Plus of course there's the part where you're all "stuffed bunny rabbits with names on the feet!" and I'm all "NIGHT TERRORS."

faceless, nameless Big Boys finding him and Jon again.

*points* This.

Because he wakes up and Jon sitting on the counter in the kitchenette clipping coupons, and he can just hop up next to him and lean his head on Jon's shoulder and watch him clip and bury his face in Jon's neck and just be ecstatic that he's alive and okay.

*points some more* Thisthisthisthisthis :D

Re: NOM NOM NOM

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

Oh my god Stephen and I am talking to the real one. Laughing at things that are tragic indeed, holy shit man. o_o

Um. The "bootstraps" mentality is very consistent with the military families I'm familiar with, as are conservatism and religion. Military families tend also to have a lot of Rules. Having several kids is pretty common from what I've seen, as well. But it's really more of an intuition than anything else.

Plus of course there's the part where you're all "stuffed bunny rabbits with names on the feet!" and I'm all "NIGHT TERRORS."

OMG NORMALLY I AM THE ONE THAT'S LIKE "YES BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE BOTH DYING SLOW, AGONIZING EMOTIONAL DEATHS BORN OF THEIR INABILITY TO FORM A STABLE RELATIONSHIP OF EQUALS?" BUT THIS AU DID THINGS TO ME IDK.

And Jon is just like "Oh look honey 25% off on EasyMac! We can eat for a month on this!" And Stephen is like "PROMISE ME YOU WILL NEVER DIE"
and Jon is like "You know I can't promise that" and Stephen is like